People I Hate - pt. 1

I am a very opinionated person. No really, I am. I know it is hard to believe. The thing is, I pride myself in being easy to get along with. I. Am. Easy.  I really am and it amazes me how many other people really are not.  I am amazingly amazed how many people just do not have a clue how their behavior affects others.

We are living in a time where the ME generation is becoming the WHO CARES generation and yes there is a difference.  The Me Generation was being selfish in a way that gave them "self-fulfillment and self-realization.  That can be an enlightening and positive thing. The Who Cares gen.are merely selfish people doing whatever they want, to whomever they want. They are reality TV and obliviousness all rolled up in a nice neat package.

I am often out in the world and forced to deal with all types like these, so I have begun a list. I know every blog and online news source thinks every bit of info we read has to be in list form but this is different.

I know you aren't stupid. The Huffington Post thinks we are all handicapped idiots that can't digest anything unless it is in bite sized little elementary school portions or we will spot a butterfly flying by and lose interest . I don't believe that. This just happens to be a list I was making in my head . I could eliminate the numbers and put this whole entry in paragraph form like a real article but I really want to keep count of how many annoying types there are.

SO sorry. I know you aren't dumb. I think ultimately this will be a long list. This just part one So here we go:


1. The Facebook Poser - If you looked at this person's Facebook page you would think that they live the kind of dream life reserved for celebrities. They are at all the hottest parties. They have tons of gorgeous friends. They are always in a hot pose with a group, or in front of something cool, maybe throwing up some weird hand gesture or something. BUT the reality is when you are actually out with this person or see them out in real life, they are lame. Earth shatteringly lame. They don't socialize at all. They spend the entire night out looking for that FB shot. They jump into other cool people's pics. They hold up the one drink they bought all night and act like they've been partying for days (for the pic), They hug strangers (for the pic) The entire night out is to portray themselves as a FB celebrity but in reality they suck. They are boring and they probably should have stayed home.

Man I hate Phonies!

2. The 40+ Year Old Divorced Guy - I would love to bang out a few pics here to show this person in action.  Some of these guys are my friends. Of course that wouldn't go over too well because like most people on this list they too are in denial. BUT it really is pathetic to watch. These guys are single and having failed miserably at marriage are now also failing miserably at hooking up with women. The main point I would like to make here is one of science. Many years of research have determined that 20 - 25 year old girls, and I AM calling them girls, are not interested in men who are over 40 in a sexual way. Of course there are exceptions but in most cases they look at men of a certain age (45) as OLD. The fact is , we are old. We have road miles on us that are right there visually jumping out. No matter how nice your suit is, no matter how great you think your rap is, you really are playing above your pay grade. I watch these guys attempt to woo these babies by throwing cash around and by acting like they are powerful players in the business world or whatever. It may work for a while because everyone loves positive attention but ultimately guys, they like young men and you need to take another look at that WOMAN at the bar you are ignoring. That's where real success lies.

Come On! That's HOT!

3. The 20 Something Girl  - On the other side of that fence is the 20+ year old female. When I go out with my friends, being married especially, I have no real use for this type at all. Here's a message to the 20- 25 year olds out there. Read a book. Watch the news. Get a hobby. For God's sake, when did it become in style to be superficial and dumb. No I am not going to audition for you. I don't give a crap if you approve of what I do for a living. You aren't getting in my car so it doesn't matter what I drive. You look bored. Why don't you go home if you're bored. If you aren't bored why don't you go look in a mirror and practice a nice face instead of a bitch face. It will help you make friends. I have lived. I have been around. If we have a conversation it won't be about how your drink sucks and how drunk your friend is. Then you get to see MY bored face. Lastly, what is with this fake squeaky voice so many of you put on? It's like an updated Cyndi Lauper voice on Helium. Cut it out! You sound ridiculous!

Why does every sentence end in a question?

4. The Sports Man -  I like sports. I'm a huge Sox/Pats/Celts/B's fan. When they get into the championship which over the last ten years has been pretty frequently I am psyched. PS. Eat your heart out NY. I will happily go out to a sports bar to watch with friends. Here in Titletown it is an experience to be out with a crowd watching or going to a game. BUT there is always a guy who takes it just a little too far.

No I do not know what Middlebrooks ERA is and I can not remember what Big Papi did in that game against the Yankees back in 2009. I do not know every player on the Celtics and certainly do not care about what Red Auerbach had for breakfast the day he said goodbye to Larry Bird. Stats are boring. No one wants to hear them and literally no girl anywhere is impressed that you know what college every one of  the New England Patriots went to and while we are at it when you refer to the team as we and us it is kind of funny. I know you. You never played sports. You weren't ever on a team. When we play a pickup game of softball you never play. You eat wings and burgers and pizza. That's what you do. You are the eating guy. The Red Sox are the sports guys so it should be them not us.

I am NOT on the Pats

5. The I am SO Busy Person - Nearly every person I know has to work for a living. No one I know is independently wealthy. Everyone has bills to pay. So what do we do? We work. This person acts like they are the only ones who have a job. They never return a call. They always cancel the plans. When you finally get them on the phone it's always, "I am so SWAMPED!" "My life is SO hard!" "I am so STRESSED out!":
Hey. Cry me a friggin river pal. WE ALL WORK. I make time for my friends. It is part of being an adult. You want to have friendships you have to cultivate them. I work like an animal so when someone tells me they are too busy all the time it pisses me off. I have one friend who is divorced and does not have custody of his daughter so in effect he really doesn't have to deal with many of the things parents deal with but this guy has the weight of the world on his shoulders according to him. Somehow those of us with kids still manage to go to the sports games, school functions, make the dinner, work 50+ hours a week or more, live our own busy lives and still find the time to return calls, texts and emails. We show up when all the gang is in town and do not constantly have poor excuses why you can't budget your time and grow up.

You are SO much busier than me.

Do you know people like these? There are easily 100 more categories. Hopefully you aren't one of these people. A little introspection goes a long way. Most personality flaws come down to one thing. Selfishness.
Lord knows I am not perfect. However I try my best to not be selfish. You have to if you want to stay married and surrounded by people who have your back.

In today's entitled world I think it is so important to shine a light on people like these who just do not get it.

What do you think? Can you relate to any of this? Put your comments down below and the best  #6 will win season tickets to the 2014 Red Sox season.

(The above statement is not true. I will be lucky if I get my hands on bleacher seats and even then I am not giving any away. I am going to go myself.)

 (I know that is selfish. As I said above I am not perfect)

Be on the lookout for  People I Hate - Part 2

Thanks for stopping by,

Cappy

Dealing with D. B 's

World War Douchebags pt.1

My next book is going to be a coffee table book about douchebags. There’s just so many friggin people out there who exist simply to piss everyone else off. I wonder if they knew that they would be in a color photograph on someone’s coffee table forever immortalized as a total friggin dipstick, if they would re-think the behavior that would be giving them this title.

I think most assholes are just selfish. Most entitled behavior stems from someone not giving a crap what happens when they do …...anything. Stupidity can also enter into it but lets leave the brain dead out of the equation for a moment. Today I’m addressing the people who know better but do it anyway. Do what? You may ask? In my coffee table book under each full color picture would be a graphic depiction of what got them in the book. For example:

I love Boar’s Head cold cuts. Once in a blue moon I go grocery shopping in a place that sells these delicious slices of meat and must have pounds and pounds of it to shove into my gaping maw. Sometimes I even make a sandwich at home like normal people do, but  usually I open all the packages in the car and spread them out on the passenger seat so I can eat while I drive. I’m partial to the maple ham, rosemary turkey and beef bologna but it is all good stuff.

SO I saunter up to the deli counter and take a number. Usually it’s the weekend which means it is crowded. I hate crowds, mostly because when a crowd is waiting for something in a line of some sort then crowds decide they want to make friends.

I am cursed with a friendly face. I know this because no matter how much I scowl and frown people always seem to want to talk to me. I wear a baseball hat about 50% of the time I’m outside and I can pull the brim all the way down, close my eyes, make a horrible face and try to look invisible but SOMEONE will still try to talk to me about the weather. Why do people always want to talk about the weather? Yes it's been hot. Yes it's cold out. I'm standing in it! I see it. Go away! Sometimes I am on the train with a full train load of idiots and the dirty guy at the other end of the train will catch my eye somehow and yell across the whole train, “How bout them Red Sox buddy!” and if I yell back, “Fuck Off!” He’ll think I’m JOKING and laugh. I get away with being rude a lot because everyone always thinks I'm just kidding. I'm not kidding!There can be a dozen people standing next to me on the streets of Boston but I’m the one who the tourist taps on the shoulder and asks where the Cheers bar is. Why me? There's 50 other people who probably go to Cheers every day so they can act like their Norm. Not me!  So it’s a curse. It is. People never leave me alone.

Now you can understand why I want to do my time on the deli line, wait for my number to be called, order my honey ham and go. On a busy Saturday there’s usually around 10 people ahead of me so let’s say I’m number 69. They are up to 59 and I wait. 60. 61. yes the lady who is number 62 orders enough stuff for an army and is extremely annoying but I can deal with her. 63. 64.  OH, 64? “Has anyone seen 64?  Where are you 64?”"Ok next number then since 64 obviously left" ……..OK 65. 66.  Here it comes….  67.   68….

Now it’s my turn . The deli schmuck says “69”  I say, “Right Here!”

This is when number 64 shows up. He’s old. Real old. And he decided to grab a number and go shopping. He decides to come back AFTER they called his number and insist he go next. But he also denies ever leaving the area. “I was here.” “I didn’t hear you call my number.”  “ YOU skipped my number””I go NOWWWW!”

{Maybe I’m wrong. I think a life rule is that if you leave any line for an extended amount of time you are no longer on that line.In addition to that rule if you carry on like a bitch when you are in the wrong you lose your place in line. In addition if someone else is about to be served and is in the process of stating their order for Boars Head cold cuts you do not interrupt. You wait until that person is finished then calmly explain that you left and didn't get back on time. You apologize for being so stupid (and so old). You hope but not expect the deli shmuck to be considerate and empathise with you but you don’t make a scene because if you do you can expect what did happen to happen to you.}

I just want to give one more analogy then I’ll explain how I handled this situation. If I go to Disneyland and the line to meet Mickey Mouse is 1000 people long and I get on the line for a sec then ask the guy behind me to hold my place in line. Then I go back to my hotel and take a nap for an hour. When I get back to see that guy already on Mickey’s lap can I expect to push him off and take my turn? NO I can’t, can I ? I may be mixing up Mickey with Santa but you get the picture.

I watched Grandpa Joe have a mini meltdown about the conspiracy to make him miss getting his 1/8th of a pound of no sodium Alpine Lace Swiss cheese and waited. The deli guy was explaining that he just saw him appear from aisle 3, the Metamucil aisle. He asked me if I would mind if the man went first. Although I was there alone I said that I just wanted to make sure my wife who was 9 months pregnant waiting in the car was ok with waiting even longer. Although we were expecting triplets and she could pop at any moment I'm sure it would fiiiiine. I took out my phone and pretended to call her making everyone wait. I had a five minute call with my wife who I called Snookibottom about the man who wanted to go first, speaking very loudly and with a weird new accent I invented just for this occasion.

Now, the OLD MAN was waiting. He didn't like it. I got off my fake call and starting talking to him. I asked him if he had a big order. He said he didn’t. I asked him what number he had. He told me. I asked him where he was from? Now numbers 70, 71 and the rest all starting to huff and puff.

Deli man was getting a little fuklempt at this point because the whole store was waiting. He finally asked me to just give him my order already. “Are you sure?” I asked very loudly now not effing around any more. “I mean, we can all hang around pandering to this old fart all day if you want. I have nowhere to be.” "Maybe we should all wait outside so this guy can get his shopping all done with no other people in his way! I then made a big show of asking everyone there if it was ok if I went next since it was MY TURN anyway. Most people were laughing their butts off at this point. Grandpa Joe looked red faced. He had a look on his face as if he wished he never ever would buy cheese again. I ordered as slowly as was humanly possible , got my meat and left thinking.  “YOU sir just made a page in my new coffee table book”

I bet he waited right next to the deli counter, number in hand the next time he needed cheese.