Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Dealing with D. B 's

World War Douchebags pt.1

My next book is going to be a coffee table book about douchebags. There’s just so many friggin people out there who exist simply to piss everyone else off. I wonder if they knew that they would be in a color photograph on someone’s coffee table forever immortalized as a total friggin dipstick, if they would re-think the behavior that would be giving them this title.

I think most assholes are just selfish. Most entitled behavior stems from someone not giving a crap what happens when they do …...anything. Stupidity can also enter into it but lets leave the brain dead out of the equation for a moment. Today I’m addressing the people who know better but do it anyway. Do what? You may ask? In my coffee table book under each full color picture would be a graphic depiction of what got them in the book. For example:

I love Boar’s Head cold cuts. Once in a blue moon I go grocery shopping in a place that sells these delicious slices of meat and must have pounds and pounds of it to shove into my gaping maw. Sometimes I even make a sandwich at home like normal people do, but  usually I open all the packages in the car and spread them out on the passenger seat so I can eat while I drive. I’m partial to the maple ham, rosemary turkey and beef bologna but it is all good stuff.

SO I saunter up to the deli counter and take a number. Usually it’s the weekend which means it is crowded. I hate crowds, mostly because when a crowd is waiting for something in a line of some sort then crowds decide they want to make friends.

I am cursed with a friendly face. I know this because no matter how much I scowl and frown people always seem to want to talk to me. I wear a baseball hat about 50% of the time I’m outside and I can pull the brim all the way down, close my eyes, make a horrible face and try to look invisible but SOMEONE will still try to talk to me about the weather. Why do people always want to talk about the weather? Yes it's been hot. Yes it's cold out. I'm standing in it! I see it. Go away! Sometimes I am on the train with a full train load of idiots and the dirty guy at the other end of the train will catch my eye somehow and yell across the whole train, “How bout them Red Sox buddy!” and if I yell back, “Fuck Off!” He’ll think I’m JOKING and laugh. I get away with being rude a lot because everyone always thinks I'm just kidding. I'm not kidding!There can be a dozen people standing next to me on the streets of Boston but I’m the one who the tourist taps on the shoulder and asks where the Cheers bar is. Why me? There's 50 other people who probably go to Cheers every day so they can act like their Norm. Not me!  So it’s a curse. It is. People never leave me alone.

Now you can understand why I want to do my time on the deli line, wait for my number to be called, order my honey ham and go. On a busy Saturday there’s usually around 10 people ahead of me so let’s say I’m number 69. They are up to 59 and I wait. 60. 61. yes the lady who is number 62 orders enough stuff for an army and is extremely annoying but I can deal with her. 63. 64.  OH, 64? “Has anyone seen 64?  Where are you 64?”"Ok next number then since 64 obviously left" ……..OK 65. 66.  Here it comes….  67.   68….
Now it’s my turn . The deli schmuck says “69”  I say, “Right Here!”

This is when number 64 shows up. He’s old. Real old. And he decided to grab a number and go shopping. He decides to come back AFTER they called his number and insist he go next. But he also denies ever leaving the area. “I was here.” “I didn’t hear you call my number.”  “ YOU skipped my number””I go NOWWWW!”

{Maybe I’m wrong. I think a life rule is that if you leave any line for an extended amount of time you are no longer on that line.In addition to that rule if you carry on like a bitch when you are in the wrong you lose your place in line. In addition if someone else is about to be served and is in the process of stating their order for Boars Head cold cuts you do not interrupt. You wait until that person is finished then calmly explain that you left and didn't get back on time. You apologize for being so stupid (and so old). You hope but not expect the deli shmuck to be considerate and empathise with you but you don’t make a scene because if you do you can expect what did happen to happen to you.}

I just want to give one more analogy then I’ll explain how I handled this situation. If I go to Disneyland and the line to meet Mickey Mouse is 1000 people long and I get on the line for a sec then ask the guy behind me to hold my place in line. Then I go back to my hotel and take a nap for an hour. When I get back to see that guy already on Mickey’s lap can I expect to push him off and take my turn? NO I can’t, can I ? I may be mixing up Mickey with Santa but you get the picture.

I watched Grandpa Joe have a mini meltdown about the conspiracy to make him miss getting his 1/8th of a pound of no sodium Alpine Lace Swiss cheese and waited. The deli guy was explaining that he just saw him appear from aisle 3, the Metamucil aisle. He asked me if I would mind if the man went first. Although I was there alone I said that I just wanted to make sure my wife who was 9 months pregnant waiting in the car was ok with waiting even longer. Although we were expecting triplets and she could pop at any moment I'm sure it would fiiiiine. I took out my phone and pretended to call her making everyone wait. I had a five minute call with my wife who I called Snookibottom about the man who wanted to go first, speaking very loudly and with a weird new accent I invented just for this occasion.

Now, the OLD MAN was waiting. He didn't like it. I got off my fake call and starting talking to him. I asked him if he had a big order. He said he didn’t. I asked him what number he had. He told me. I asked him where he was from? Now numbers 70, 71 and the rest all starting to huff and puff.

Deli man was getting a little fuklempt at this point because the whole store was waiting. He finally asked me to just give him my order already. “Are you sure?” I asked very loudly now not effing around any more. “I mean, we can all hang around pandering to this old fart all day if you want. I have nowhere to be.” "Maybe we should all wait outside so this guy can get his shopping all done with no other people in his way! I then made a big show of asking everyone there if it was ok if I went next since it was MY TURN anyway. Most people were laughing their butts off at this point. Grandpa Joe looked red faced. He had a look on his face as if he wished he never ever would buy cheese again. I ordered as slowly as was humanly possible , got my meat and left thinking.  “YOU sir just made a page in my new coffee table book”

I bet he waited right next to the deli counter, number in hand the next time he needed cheese.