PEOPLE I HATE - Pt. 2

George Carlin knew

I had a friend call me the other day. I know...right? He didn't text me, email me or FB instant message me! It's like a miracle when someone actually tries to communicate by SPEAKING to me! It almost never happens any more. So I did what anyone would do under the circumstances. I stared at my cell phone until it stopped ringing then texted him back. "What do you want?"

It turned out one of my good friends had been reading this blog. He wanted to know when I'd be doing People I Hate pt. 2. I called him and we spoke for a few minutes. "I don't hate anyone really and I am trying to have a positive attitude." I said. He couldn't relate. "Everyone knows you have a crappy attitude. Just write it down. Trust me you'll feel better."

Maybe he has a point. This time of year always pisses me off. New England fall always lasts around ten minutes then it's cold and we are getting beaten over the head with the holidays. Halloween isn't done for two seconds and I have to start buying people presents? I just had my long johns on for the first time yesterday. 11/9/2014. That's early. That's not cool. So yes I am pretty sick of everyone. The weather only makes it worse. People seems to get worse this time of year too. The entitled, rude, ignorant sheer stupidness seems to come out full force.

I'm not as cynical as I come off. I want to like everybody and actually I do like many people. I used to think everyone deep down is good and can be reasoned with. All you really need are good communicative skills, a sense of humor and a bright disarming smile. That is all you really need to make friends and allies wherever you go.

Then you can ride your unicorn off into the sunset and pick daisies in the land of Oz while naked bodybuilders make love to you next to an ocean of melted chocolate.....

Yup. That is what I USED to think. I don't really believe that any more. Some people are completely unreasonable. Some are entitled fools who believe the world is actually revolving around them and some people are just batshit crazy.

You can not reason with those types. You will never be able to trust them. Obviously you can't depend on them or consider them friends but actually they might be enemies.

Today's edition of People I Hate is going to be focused on crazy people. Let me explain. I am not writing about the mentally ill padded cell types although some of these people in today's post could easily benefit from years of therapy. More or less I want to touch upon the kind of person who can not be reasoned with. Maybe you can relate.
Maybe you're one of them...Hopefully not.

I. The Narcissist

There's selfish and then there's SELFISH. Everyone knows a Narcissist. You may not realize it so let me lay it all out for you.

1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process.

Now that sounds pretty cut and dry but it isn't as easy to spot one as you might think. So ask your self these questions:

• Do you know someone who has no problem whatsoever blowing you off?
• Does that person constantly break their word and then somehow make is seem as if it's your fault that they screwed you over?
• Is everything always about them? Is their Ego so big that any time they get insulted they hold a grudge for like FOREVER?
• Are they in and out of romantic relationships because the other person is always somehow crazy or too demanding?
• Do they more or less suck but still make you laugh and can be charming when they want to be or more likely want something from you?

If you answered yes to these questions there is really only one thing to do.   RUN!!!

I heard Judge Judy say once that you can't fix stupid. It's the same with a Narcissist. You're never going to fix that person. They will always be that way. It's better to cut and run. Get far away and move on and if you are stuck working for a person like this well......good luck. 

II. The OCD Person

I used to have a friend who would love to go out to dinner. He was always raving about the newest place or some dish he heard about. He would get a group of us together and we would all go out. The thing that would drive me crazy was that he could never just order off the menu. 

Do you know anyone like that? I've known this person for over twenty years and have to this day never seen him just pick an item on the menu and order it. He always has to ask for changes. Can the chef make him a special side dish? Can they cook it differently just for him? Is it possible to put it on an extra large plate? (seriously) It's embarrassing and incredibly annoying. I came to realize that he just couldn't help it. I just couldn't help getting pissed off. I always say the same thing to him. "No matter what they do for you man it's always going to come back tasting like spit." But at least he'll have his saliva HIS way right?

I know this other guy who hates to be driven around. He needs to be the driver wherever he goes. Great. I love to be driven around but here's the thing. He has this ritual that he needs to do before we can leave. 

He checks the rear view mirror.

He fixes his seat belt

He turns on the heat or AC.

He checks the side mirrors.

He fixes the rear view mirror

He unbuckles his seat belt and puts it back on again.

He checks the side mirrors

He lowers the heat or AC

He checks all the mirrors.     (am I annoying you yet?)

Yes it can go on for ten minutes or more. He's normal as far as I can tell in every single other circumstance. But if I attempt to get him not to do this long insane ritual then we can't leave. It would be funny if it wasn't me that has to wait for this. One time I forced him to just start the car and go. We had to pull over ten minutes later because he said the mirror was messed up. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" I would ask. He didn't really have an answer. I wondered what he would do if he came across a car with no mirrors, just a steering wheel and that was it. His head would explode.

You guys must have people in your life that do completely irrational things that drive you nuts. It isn't clinical enough to get them help. It's just bad enough to be annoying. We all know people who hoard. But are they hoarders? Maybe not. Maybe they are just doing it on purpose just to piss you off! Naah. You should just learn to be more patient like me.
(yeah right)

  

III. Mr. or Mrs. Instant Best Friend:


There is this acquaintance of mine who always has to hug me when she sees me. She LOVES me. She speaks to me as if we have been best friends for life. She asks about my family, my wife, my health. This is not a big deal if not for the act that we are complete strangers more or less. We hung out twice at a big event. That was it. Now she and I are best friends apparently. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than when a person who is sort of a friend says "Bye! I LOVE you!" Come on. You don't love me. It took me years to say that to the woman I married. Now I'm supposed to say it back to a girl I know from a Blogger party? " I passionately love you too! I'm totally comfortable with this! BYE!!!"  ugh ugh ugh.

Some people are like that. I am pretty friendly and I like to make new friends but there's a little imaginary line that once crossed makes you a fruitcake. Some people touch a little too much. I have this imaginary box around me. YOU don't get to enter that box unless I invite you in. Okay? Some people just barge right into that imaginary box.  They move in with luggage. Then they are too close. They are breathing on you. They are touching you. Once they leave you can still smell them and they better smell good because now you smell like them. Thy have left pieces of themselves in your PRIVATE BOX! WTF!  They are all over you. God, I hate that!

Not cool. Not Cool at all.

I know a guy like this who is always asking for favors. "Can you do me a quick favor?" 

"Cappy, can I get your friends number that (Insert job here) so he can hook me up with some free service?"

"Would you mind helping me move?"  

 HAHAHAHAHA! That's always a good one. If some "acquaintance" ever asks you to help them move that's where you spell it out for them like I did for this guy.

He needed an intervention so I gave him one.

"Look bud." I said calmly. "You and I aren't brothers are we?"  

"No" He said, "Why do you ask?"

"Because my brother wouldn't ask me to help him move because he knows I'd say no."

I then went on to explain that manual labor is expensive and that if someone was going to do an expensive, time consuming task for someone else for FREE then it could be considered a "FAVOR" and that favors of this magnitude should be reserved for people who you have known for a LONG time or who you are extremely close or intimate with.

"Are we close and intimate?" I asked him. 

"NO"  he said.

"So do you think I am going to take an entire day off from work and from being with my family to help you do some back breaking work for free?" I said.

"NO" he said.

and he was 100% right. We don't really talk much any more.

Cynical Face

SO. these are a few more types who just crawl up my keister and give me Agita.

The list really is endless.  Next time when we do People I Hate pt. 3 we can do a whole post on the passive aggressive people who deserve special recognition for things like Yelp reviews and asking questions with no answers. Venting like this really does help keep me positive though.

Positive I am not leaving the house today.

A COFFEE ADDICTED DRINKERS GUIDE TO BEING COOL IN A HIPSTER WORLD

Cafe Latte 

I have to confess something. I love coffee. I drink it all the time. I need it to start my day. That isn't what I'm confessing here but I am always drinking coffee especially in the morning because I am not nor have I ever been a morning person. I am no coffee connoisseur (nor do I speak french) but the only way I can fake it even a little is with that two cup jump start in the morning.  One right when I get up and one right when I get to work. Otherwise those cheerful morning pixies who apparently get ten hours of sleep and go to bed right after the 6 pm evening news and jump up at dawn with those little annoying  bluebirds on their shoulders while they whistle a happy tune probably by Taylor Swift or Celine Dion are getting murdered the hard, messy way...slowly.  Man I hate morning people!  They are so happy while I have that hung over, body aching, head in cotton feeling when I didn't even drink the night before.  I HATE those people. I HATE HATE HATE them.  What the heck are they so cheerful about? It's too early to be up. It's too early to be working and thinking and planning our day. GOD DAMN them all.

Find and Go get Coffee here!

So anyway, my admission or confession or whatever,  is that I am really uncomfortable in these coffee places. Dunkins I have down but recently I have determined that Dunkins is crap.  I learned this accidentally. A friend showed up with a drink from Boston Common Coffee and was really enjoying it. Every time he took a sip he made a little noise much like the noise I make when my wife is touching.....me. He gave a little moan of pleasure after every sip. I asked what the hell he was drinking and asked him to either let me have a sip or get the heck away from me. He, apparently was enjoying some kind of vanilla caramel latte iced thing with whipped cream on top. This was life changing for me. I loved it!  Soon after that I did a little recon & research and learned that there are all kinds of "fair trade" and "magical specialty" coffee beans and "pour over" and "scientific cool brewed" coffee ......things.

Greek

So like any typical working stiff with a caffeine jones I needed to experience these new and interesting drinks. The problem is that places like The Thinking Cup and Bourbon Coffee (what?) really intimidate me. You can not order a large regular in there. You need to know the lingo. You should learn what a Latte is. I actually thought it was pronounced "late" a while back.  "I'll get a Medium , I mean a Venti. Late. Ravioli. Cup. Coffee. ....aww forget it."

Scary but good

Virtually every single coffee place has at least one guy wearing a winter hat in the middle of summer. AND two women with nose rings and purple hair. It's an actual prerequisite to work there. I'm not sure what a hipster is but there's no doubt that if they work at all they work at coffee places and they lay in wait for people like me to walk in and not know our Cafe au Lait's from our Americano's. You have to know the lingo or everyone gets a , "You're a dumbass!" look on their face. I started out simple.  I got a small hot coffee. ok a tall. ok a short. Yes that is really friggin annoying when you can't say small. But the coffee itself is fabulous.  I was at the Thinking Cup which serves Stumptown Coffee. I had this before when visiting family in Portlandia and it is good stuff. I was going to bring a pound home but I would have had to sell my car to do it so I just get it at the Thinking Cup. Oh and make sure when you order it you then move down to the area where you pick it up. Otherwise you get the , "HEY dumbass move down there to pick up your short tall latte you bitch!" They say it much nicer but I know that's what they are thinking.

"No Man. We only have TALLS no SMALLS Dumbass!"

Downtown Crossing where I live and work has a ton of coffee places now. Forget Starbucks and Dunkins. Go to Caffe Nero, Boston Brewin, Boston Common, Thinking Cup and there's more if you head towards the business district. They all have coffee making people making your good quality coffee.  "NO we're Barista's!" No children, you are coffee making drink makers. Stop being pretentious and I will like you so much more.

New with lots of comfy couches

Also with lots of comfy couches and it's 50% more Hipster-ish

 Hipster. definition - someone trying way too desperately to be hip. Please everyone. Stop trying so hard!

tangent:

Things I do not understand: ( fashionably speaking )

1. Nose, cheek, neck, eyebrow piercings. 

2. Tats that go above the neckline onto the face.

3. Winter hats in summer.

4. Facial hair, mutton chops and any steam-punk or 1800's look. What. The. F?

5. Purple, blue, pink or green hair.

6. Tights and no underwear.

7. Bikes as accessories. Why are you walking your bike?

8. Lizards, snakes, rats and Platypus as accessories.

9. Vests. I just don't get vests. sorry.

10. Guys with Rabbi beards. I really can't tell the difference any more between Hipsters, homeless people, Rabbi's or genuine hippies any more.

end tangent.

Orgasmisimo Grande

Now where was I. COFFEE. I love these quality coffee drinks. I love a Caramel latte with no whip cream and whole milk. I throw in a Sweet and Low then I moan all the way to the bottom of the cup. I always have appreciated quality in any form. Maybe it is worth overcoming my queasy intimidation of not knowing what's up in an uppity coffee shop.
 (Did I just say uppity?)

4 ft high filter pack

I make my own coffee at home first thing in the morning when I'm barely awake. My coffee never ever turns out like the coffee I buy in Downtown Boston. It's always a frustrating ordeal for me. I bought my coffee filters at Costco so there is a four foot high stack of coffee filters in my pantry. Peeling one coffee filter off the top of this pile is almost impossible. I lick my fingers and peel one off. I now have 7 in my hand I put six back and go to the coffee machine. I still have three in my hand somehow. I finally manage to get one filter off and put it in the Black and Decker coffee machine. The thing you put the filter into is plastic. If you don't put it in the machine the exact right way and you turn the machine on then coffee will brew all over the counter top. This happens to me quite frequently. I hate Black and Decker coffee machines but when I used to have a Mr. Coffee ,coffee machine I would fill up the carafe with water and try to pour the water into the machine the water would somehow always pour all over the counter top.

Curse you B&D

So I used a scoop to fill my filter with coffee. I am never sure how much to use so inevitably the coffee will be too watery or too strong. The way I combat this is to put tons of sugar and creamer into my coffee. I am apparently not a Barista.

I wish I had a million dollars. I would buy a fancy Italian coffee maker. It would be one of those huge metal works of art you see in the North End while eating Cannoli and sipping Cappucino's. I would hire a Barista to make me Latte's and Frappaccino's . (copyright Starbucks) every morning. That is my wish.

The Dream Machine

A short time later I was walking to Boston Brewin coffee on Bromfield Street for a caramel latte and was pondering my wish when I saw a homeless man sitting on the ground with a cardboard sign that said, "I am not lying! I need spare change to eat!" My first thought was, "Why would he want to eat spare change?" Then I wondered if his wish was just for some spare change. I felt guilty about wishing for a personal Barista so I changed my wish and wished he would get some spare change.  No one gave him any. Apparently wishing for money isn't the key here. As I continued on to the coffee place I was aware I had a pocket with lots of spare change in it. The irony of this did not escape me.

Boston Brewin

I asked for a large iced Caramel Latte with whole milk and two Sweet and Lows. I had already had a bucket full of sugar in my earlier coffee so I figured I'd cut back on the sugar this time. The coffee making person asked if I wanted some other better tasting coffee drink for a few cents more. I said sure. I never could have afforded it if I had given my change to the homeless guy. The irony of this didn't escape me this time either.

As I went on to work I pondered the irony of the morning and made a mental note to Google the word irony when I got home because I really wasn't too sure whether I was using that word correctly.

All of these thoughts went away and I started my day grateful for the cure to my caffeine addiction so close by in so many great places.

Aaaah. Coffee.

Thanks for the Venti Americano dude!

THIEVING THIEVERY AND THE THIEVES WHO THIEVE......stuff

So there I was, walking down the street in Downtown Crossing, Boston Massachusetts. It's the holiday season and I'm heading to my store to help put things in people's shopping bags and put cash into my bank account.

As I'm about to walk in, someone walks out. It's a young guy in a grey sweatshirt. He looks to be about 17 years old. He's holding a winter hat in his hand. It's a Celtics hat with a big pom pom on top and it isn't in a plastic bag. He sort of runs by me looking as if he was trying to get out of there quickly. My internal scumbag detector began to go off and just to be safe I popped my head into the door and asked, "Hey, did you just sell a green Celtics hat with the pom pom on top just now?"

           Of course the answer was no. So the kid had stolen it and was still in my sites walking away.

Now when you work in retail inevitably someone is going to try to steal something and it is incredibly important that you and the people who work for you know how to deal with the situation when it happens.
There are many many pro's out there who do nothing but steal and just like  you may be excellent at cooking Shepherd's Pie or making the perfect Martini, these people are just as good as stealing things. You really wouldn't believe it. Here's a few examples of things I've had to deal with over the years:

• Woman puts large shopping bag on ground and begins nonchalantly dropping merchandise into it with one hand while trying things on with another hand.
• Man walks up puts on a baseball cap then takes another baseball hat and asks the price. Once he hears the price he attempts to put back hat number two and leave wearing hat number one.
• Woman comes up with two small young kids asks a bunch of prices then continues to shop. The kids are hanging out by me. She loads a bag full of merchandise then leaves without the kids. I ask kids where their mom is and they say she is outside and leave. I then notice missing things and chase her down.
• One guy runs up and steals one thing. Employee chases after him while another guy comes up and takes 10 things. They get away.
• A man in a magicians cape tries to hypnotise me into giving him a 4 wheel swivel luggage set for free.

So as you can see people can be very creative in their ability to be pieces of crap.The biggest deterrent is to never give thieves the opportunity to steal and they can't but that's never going to be fool proof especially when the thief just doesn't care if you see. Some of them almost dare you to say something and others do it right in front of you and are so blatant and fast you have to ask yourself, "Did I just see what I just saw?"

So this kid is walking down the sidewalk and I am coming up behind him. He's a Hispanic looking male in his teens. He looks like any typical high school kid really. I catch up to him and ask him where he got the hat he was holding. Usually at this point they say, "I bought it." or "It's mine." 

It's amazing what the mentality is of a typical thief. They really believe that once they steal something "fair and square" it's theirs. Many of them think that once they are wearing it or it's in their possession it really is theirs now and EFF you if you think you're getting it back. That's why I patiently explain to them that stealing is a sin and they are probably going to hell if they don't give the item in question back.

And if you believe that then I have a beautiful beach in Revere that looks just like any beach in Hawaii that I would LOVE to sell you! (band aids and needles included free of charge)

NO actually you really need to startle a thief. Don't even give them time to consider their options. Many of them are drug addicts whose reflexes leave a bit to be desired. If you catch them right away usually you can come up quick and snag the item back before they see what's happening or just grab their bag and dump it taking your item back but if you're not 100% positive that they stole something you're taking a big risk.

Obviously you can't assault anyone. That would be ILLEGAL. Nine times out of ten I ask for the thing back and they say something like, "OH I was just looking for you! How much is this anyway?"  Sometimes they act like they have no idea how the stolen merchandise ended up on them. Like an evil sticky fingered fairy keeps putting things in their pockets and it isn't them at all. But usually they just give it back and act like,

"Whoops ya caught me this time. I'll get ya next time."

This kid tosses me the hat and says, "I took it."    (Really?) I say, "You took it?"  He says, "That's right."

I'm kind of shocked how arrogant he is and I say something like, "Well maybe next time someone will take your head and bang it off the sidewalk."

My plan is to basically just leave with the hat and go back but his reaction to my sort of displeasure with him absconding with my Celtics hat is somewhat surprising .

He turns suddenly towards me and says, "Yeah, why don't you do something about it then!"   This kid is not a big person. He's lanky and in decent shape like all kids who haven't discovered the fine art of riding a couch with a pizza in one hand and a case of beer in the other but there isn't a snowball's chance in hell that this child is going to walk away after stealing from me thinking that he just got some guy to back down to him.

So I gently ask him earnestly, "Well I got the hat back from you but NOW you want me to also come over there and kick the crap out of you too in front of all these people?"

Yes at this point I kind of peripherally noticed a few bystanders watching this unfold. It's Christmas time in the shopping district of Downtown Crossing and there were lots of people walking by. In retrospect it should have occurred to me that some of these people could have been his friends and in fact I very well could have been surrounded but the fact is it never did occur to me. 

His reaction was to take a few steps toward me and say , "If you want to start some shit I will stab the fuck out of you."

Now I was angry. I don't about the rest of you but with me, when I get into a situation like this my mind kind of goes on autopilot. He was far enough away from me that he couldn't pull out a knife and stab me. I wasn't very concerned about this getting violent because like I said, we had a small audience. BUT you never want to get too cocky when someone is threatening to kill you so I did what anyone would do.

"You have a knife huh?" "Let's see what you got."  "Take it out junior." Let's see your toothpick."

"You're a lousy thief. I bet you're a lousy tough guy too." "Let's see it." "Because I got something too."

ok maybe not what any smart person would do....

Now I didn't have anything. I had a cell phone, some keys, a wallet, a  Hershey's bar which was sort of shaped like a knife so I could try to stab him with. It was the kind with almonds so I could probably get an almond in his eye if I aimed right.

"I ain't pulling it out here in front of all these people."  he said. He looked a little nervous like maybe he thought he bit off more than he could chew. I was hoping that would be his reaction.

"Yeah that's what I thought punk." Did I really call him a punk? Yes I did. I've been watching way too many crime dramas on TV but the scary moment was passing and the "Punk" was starting to leave and leave quickly.

I yelled a few choice compliments about his mom and his inability to steal a winter hat properly and he was gone. 

Just another day in paradise. I ate my Hershey's bar staring after him as he turned a corner and was gone. 

WTF is wrong with kids today? 

 I went back to work knowing he wouldn't be the last thief we would have to deal with.

My last thought about it was wishing I actually had a Crocodile Dundee knife that I could pull out and say,

"NOW THAT'S A KNIFE!"

or Maybe pull out my .38 caliber gun and say, "NEVER BRING A KNIFE TO A GUN FIGHT!"

But reality was calling and since I don't own a gun or a knife and I'm not Clint eastwood or Crocodile Dundee I probably ought to focus on selling merchandise to people who don't want to kill me.

yeah, I think I'll do that.