A COFFEE ADDICTED DRINKERS GUIDE TO BEING COOL IN A HIPSTER WORLD

Cafe Latte 

I have to confess something. I love coffee. I drink it all the time. I need it to start my day. That isn't what I'm confessing here but I am always drinking coffee especially in the morning because I am not nor have I ever been a morning person. I am no coffee connoisseur (nor do I speak french) but the only way I can fake it even a little is with that two cup jump start in the morning.  One right when I get up and one right when I get to work. Otherwise those cheerful morning pixies who apparently get ten hours of sleep and go to bed right after the 6 pm evening news and jump up at dawn with those little annoying  bluebirds on their shoulders while they whistle a happy tune probably by Taylor Swift or Celine Dion are getting murdered the hard, messy way...slowly.  Man I hate morning people!  They are so happy while I have that hung over, body aching, head in cotton feeling when I didn't even drink the night before.  I HATE those people. I HATE HATE HATE them.  What the heck are they so cheerful about? It's too early to be up. It's too early to be working and thinking and planning our day. GOD DAMN them all.

Find and Go get Coffee here!

So anyway, my admission or confession or whatever,  is that I am really uncomfortable in these coffee places. Dunkins I have down but recently I have determined that Dunkins is crap.  I learned this accidentally. A friend showed up with a drink from Boston Common Coffee and was really enjoying it. Every time he took a sip he made a little noise much like the noise I make when my wife is touching.....me. He gave a little moan of pleasure after every sip. I asked what the hell he was drinking and asked him to either let me have a sip or get the heck away from me. He, apparently was enjoying some kind of vanilla caramel latte iced thing with whipped cream on top. This was life changing for me. I loved it!  Soon after that I did a little recon & research and learned that there are all kinds of "fair trade" and "magical specialty" coffee beans and "pour over" and "scientific cool brewed" coffee ......things.

Greek

So like any typical working stiff with a caffeine jones I needed to experience these new and interesting drinks. The problem is that places like The Thinking Cup and Bourbon Coffee (what?) really intimidate me. You can not order a large regular in there. You need to know the lingo. You should learn what a Latte is. I actually thought it was pronounced "late" a while back.  "I'll get a Medium , I mean a Venti. Late. Ravioli. Cup. Coffee. ....aww forget it."

Scary but good

Virtually every single coffee place has at least one guy wearing a winter hat in the middle of summer. AND two women with nose rings and purple hair. It's an actual prerequisite to work there. I'm not sure what a hipster is but there's no doubt that if they work at all they work at coffee places and they lay in wait for people like me to walk in and not know our Cafe au Lait's from our Americano's. You have to know the lingo or everyone gets a , "You're a dumbass!" look on their face. I started out simple.  I got a small hot coffee. ok a tall. ok a short. Yes that is really friggin annoying when you can't say small. But the coffee itself is fabulous.  I was at the Thinking Cup which serves Stumptown Coffee. I had this before when visiting family in Portlandia and it is good stuff. I was going to bring a pound home but I would have had to sell my car to do it so I just get it at the Thinking Cup. Oh and make sure when you order it you then move down to the area where you pick it up. Otherwise you get the , "HEY dumbass move down there to pick up your short tall latte you bitch!" They say it much nicer but I know that's what they are thinking.

"No Man. We only have TALLS no SMALLS Dumbass!"

Downtown Crossing where I live and work has a ton of coffee places now. Forget Starbucks and Dunkins. Go to Caffe Nero, Boston Brewin, Boston Common, Thinking Cup and there's more if you head towards the business district. They all have coffee making people making your good quality coffee.  "NO we're Barista's!" No children, you are coffee making drink makers. Stop being pretentious and I will like you so much more.

New with lots of comfy couches

Also with lots of comfy couches and it's 50% more Hipster-ish

 Hipster. definition - someone trying way too desperately to be hip. Please everyone. Stop trying so hard!

tangent:

Things I do not understand: ( fashionably speaking )

1. Nose, cheek, neck, eyebrow piercings. 

2. Tats that go above the neckline onto the face.

3. Winter hats in summer.

4. Facial hair, mutton chops and any steam-punk or 1800's look. What. The. F?

5. Purple, blue, pink or green hair.

6. Tights and no underwear.

7. Bikes as accessories. Why are you walking your bike?

8. Lizards, snakes, rats and Platypus as accessories.

9. Vests. I just don't get vests. sorry.

10. Guys with Rabbi beards. I really can't tell the difference any more between Hipsters, homeless people, Rabbi's or genuine hippies any more.

end tangent.

Orgasmisimo Grande

Now where was I. COFFEE. I love these quality coffee drinks. I love a Caramel latte with no whip cream and whole milk. I throw in a Sweet and Low then I moan all the way to the bottom of the cup. I always have appreciated quality in any form. Maybe it is worth overcoming my queasy intimidation of not knowing what's up in an uppity coffee shop.
 (Did I just say uppity?)

4 ft high filter pack

I make my own coffee at home first thing in the morning when I'm barely awake. My coffee never ever turns out like the coffee I buy in Downtown Boston. It's always a frustrating ordeal for me. I bought my coffee filters at Costco so there is a four foot high stack of coffee filters in my pantry. Peeling one coffee filter off the top of this pile is almost impossible. I lick my fingers and peel one off. I now have 7 in my hand I put six back and go to the coffee machine. I still have three in my hand somehow. I finally manage to get one filter off and put it in the Black and Decker coffee machine. The thing you put the filter into is plastic. If you don't put it in the machine the exact right way and you turn the machine on then coffee will brew all over the counter top. This happens to me quite frequently. I hate Black and Decker coffee machines but when I used to have a Mr. Coffee ,coffee machine I would fill up the carafe with water and try to pour the water into the machine the water would somehow always pour all over the counter top.

Curse you B&D

So I used a scoop to fill my filter with coffee. I am never sure how much to use so inevitably the coffee will be too watery or too strong. The way I combat this is to put tons of sugar and creamer into my coffee. I am apparently not a Barista.

I wish I had a million dollars. I would buy a fancy Italian coffee maker. It would be one of those huge metal works of art you see in the North End while eating Cannoli and sipping Cappucino's. I would hire a Barista to make me Latte's and Frappaccino's . (copyright Starbucks) every morning. That is my wish.

The Dream Machine

A short time later I was walking to Boston Brewin coffee on Bromfield Street for a caramel latte and was pondering my wish when I saw a homeless man sitting on the ground with a cardboard sign that said, "I am not lying! I need spare change to eat!" My first thought was, "Why would he want to eat spare change?" Then I wondered if his wish was just for some spare change. I felt guilty about wishing for a personal Barista so I changed my wish and wished he would get some spare change.  No one gave him any. Apparently wishing for money isn't the key here. As I continued on to the coffee place I was aware I had a pocket with lots of spare change in it. The irony of this did not escape me.

Boston Brewin

I asked for a large iced Caramel Latte with whole milk and two Sweet and Lows. I had already had a bucket full of sugar in my earlier coffee so I figured I'd cut back on the sugar this time. The coffee making person asked if I wanted some other better tasting coffee drink for a few cents more. I said sure. I never could have afforded it if I had given my change to the homeless guy. The irony of this didn't escape me this time either.

As I went on to work I pondered the irony of the morning and made a mental note to Google the word irony when I got home because I really wasn't too sure whether I was using that word correctly.

All of these thoughts went away and I started my day grateful for the cure to my caffeine addiction so close by in so many great places.

Aaaah. Coffee.

Thanks for the Venti Americano dude!

It's Passover! Let's Party at Boston's Iconic JEWISH Pubs!

PASSOVER is coming up and Boston is just as famous for it's Jewish Pubs as it is for places like the Black Rose or the Shaved Shillelagh. SO come along and take a tour and remember , A Manischewitz cocktail can knock you on your ass too!             

  L'Chaim!!

Shmukler's of Boston

Located in a refurbished Orange Line T car, Shmukler's is one of the most unique places to revel in overindulgence this side of the Charles River. Jason Shmukler founded this Jewish Speakeasy a short time ago and after realizing that Martini's would be a better money maker than Matzoh Brie. And now he has revamped and revolutionized. Ask for a Sex on the Beach and you are given a choice. You can have a drink made from delightfully fresh squeezed orange, cranberries straight from a local bog, locally sourced microdistilled maple sap vodka, Creme de Cassis and hand cut ice cubes all in a crystal Waterford glass. OR for the regulars you can actually have sex with one of his daughters over on Revere Beach. Now that's hospitality! You can order the Harvey Wallbanger and get the same fresh squeezed OJ with vodka and Galliano or you can lean up against the wall and get ....well you get the idea. This exemplary establishment deserves your drinking dollars this next Passover for certain!
Shmukler's of Boston

Shmukler Sisters

Fercockt & Bull

This so called "dive bar" has been nestled away in the seaport district long before the developers and the gentrified discovered the area. It is a true waterfront bar best known for it's surly bartenders and amazing value. For just a few shekels you can get the Kreplach Special! They have their own take on the Chinese soup dumplings that are all the rage right now. They fill a Maztoh Ball with chicken soup and you get ten for five dollars and they are delicious! Once in a while Shmuley the chef will surprise you with a gizzard or a chicken head so be careful when you eat them. You have to eat them a certain way so you don't burn your mouth. How to play with your balls.

Shmuley the Chef

Mini B with L

Bagel with Long Island Iced Tea

                                                           

Alter Cocker's Wacky Packy

Jews don't really know diddley about the speakeasy craze. During this time period in American history they were mostly just trying to get through Ellis Island without having their names changed from Lifshultz to Lipshitz. But one man was a visionary. While most Jews were settling in Brooklyn and Brookline Mr. Hyman Kunstler moved his family to Revere beach. Growing up in the Shtetls of Germany he had never even glimpsed a beach before. He set up his small package store right across from the ocean next to Stromboli's Ravioli's. It was a perfect set up and remains so to this day. The secret Speakeasy behind the Wacky Packy is the reason to go. It's sort of a  Fiddler on the Roof meets Tiki Bar place. The Manischewitz Mai Tai is off the HOOK good and the Hot Pastrami Luau Feast is one of the areas best values for any celebration. Check it out when in Reveeeeeah.

Manischewitz Mai Tai

The Kosher Poser Watering Hole Tap Room & Shul

Temple Beth Shalom is the last place you would expect a Pop Up lounge/chophouse but lo and behold there it is! Once a month and twice in April the archetypal synagogue transforms into one of the most chic and trendy places to see and be seen in the Boston area. It helps to get on the guest list but if your name doesn't end in a Stein, Witz or Berg you should probably make friends with someone whose name does. Every Microbrew and top shelf liquor company is represented and are all passing out samples. The food may be Kosher but trust me on this, they are doing things with chopped liver that have NEVER been done before. The celebrity chef list reads like a show line up from the food network or at least the guest list at the Spielberg Bar-Mitzvah.  You won't run into Guy Fieri here folks but Ina Garten, Nigella Lawson, and Duff Goldman have recently made appearances. Even Bobby Flaystein is rumored to be coming this April to guest Chef. Hey Now!

Jewish American Princess Night

Not on guest list

Some Other Amazing Jewish Bars and Places Not to Miss


Shmendrick's Bagels and Beers

Bubeleh's Meshugena Drinkery

Horvitz Wine and Spritz

Faygela's (gay bar)

Weinstein's Stein's of Beer

Mispoche's Nosh n Get Sloshed

Bubbe's Doobies (new medical marijuna dispensary)

 So remember, St. Patty's is just the start of spring imbibing. Then we have Passover. Then  Easter, , May Day, Cinco de Mayo, Mother's Day, Armed Forces Day, Victoria Day (Canada but who cares) and then Memorial Day! Summer is almost here! We don't have to be sober EVER!

 Isn't Boston the greatest city on earth? You bet your gluteus maximus it is!

So don't be a klutz. Shlep your keister over to one of these great places and kibbitz the night away!

Mazel Tov!!

5 Things You Have to Do This Winter! (Boston Edition)

Happy New Year!

Hello everyone! It’s been a little while. I want to wish you all a happy, healthy, prosperous and sexually gratifying 2014. May everything you want be granted to you. May all your aches and pains go away. May whomever is annoying you and pissing you off fall down an elevator shaft or at the very least get some type of extremely  itchy fungal rash on themselves which will make them have to focus on that and not on annoying and pissing YOU off.

Right about now you should be pretty sick of the winter. The end of January usually brings about the worst case of the winter doldrums a person can possibly get. I call it the GTFAFMe’s. You never heard of that? It stands for the Get The F*** Away From Me’s.  It’s the point in a New England winter where you don’t even want to go outside any more. The thought of putting on five layers and shoveling snow gives you an instant headache. It’s cold, icy, wet, dirty and nothing is growing or blooming anywhere. It’s just desolation and death. Grim. Grey. Death.

BUT I have a solution for you. I can’t stand being inside for too long. If the weather keeps me from going out more than like one day in a row….I’m going to kill someone!

We are lucky here in the Boston area though because there are tons of things to do. Some of these you may know about and some you probably don’t. Some of these things you may not want to do but don’t jump to that conclusion so quickly. EVERY thing on this list is fun. Take it from me. (Mr. Fun) Add to this list at the bottom in the form of comments. I need stuff to do because at this point the GTFAFMe’s are pretty bad. So read. Enjoy. Then Contribute.

*One thing. Right click on links and open in another window. It's easier.

CoCo Key

1. Coco Key Water Park  - Located about twenty minutes north of Boston in Danvers is an indoor water park that most of you had no idea was there. If you knew it was there you had no idea that anyone over the age of 5 would love it here. WELL, you would. Here’s why:

• Wet Rooster Bar. Yup they have a bar in there and food too.
• Giant Water Slides. Big ones. You sit on a raft and shoot down in the dark.
• Lazy River. There’s an indoor lazy river. Put your butt on a tube and relax.
• Hot Tub. One of those indoor/outdoor hot tubs.
• It’s in a Doubletree Hotel so you can stay overnight if you want to.

I wouldn’t call this a “Cheap” day out because it costs about $45 for a whole day pass but they have discounts for night only and deals all the time. Rates

Brooksby Farm

2. Brooksby Farm - While we are on the  North Shore there is a hidden gem you should be aware of. In the town of Peabody is a great little farm where many of you have gone to pick apples, eat cider donuts and pet the llama but did you know that they also have a great winter activity that I HIGHLY recommend?

It is cross country skiing and it’s a CHEAP way to get outside and have a great time. It is only $10 for the ski’s and if you have never done it before it is only $15 for a lesson and the ski package! You literally slide down their many trails into the woods where it’s really peaceful and beautiful.

I can’t tell you how important it is to get outside and enjoy the weather when there is snow on the ground. It’s peaceful and it’s calm and believe it or not there is still plenty of nature out there. If all you do in the snow is shovel it or slip on the ice then New England is probably not where you should be living. Cross Country skiing is easy and anyone can do it.

It is also about 15 miles north of Boston and afterwards you can grab a hot cider in their store or check out these places to eat two minutes away from there.

• Mr. G’s Pizza - The best NY style pizza in my opinion anywhere .
• Family Fare - It’s a diner! Breakfast all day and it’s GOOD!
• Brodies Pub - Maybe you need a beer and some good food. This is a great local pub.

Downhill Skiing

3. Downhill Skiing

Skiing is also easy. If you have never gone downhill skiing you have to try it. You can learn in one afternoon but you have to take a lesson. I do not recommend trying to teach yourself. Within one hour of Downtown Boston there are a ton of options to learn how to ski . 

Keep in mind, all of these places are set up to teach beginners although if you are experienced there are great runs for you too. I’m going to list them and you can click on the links to get more information. There are ways to get deals. There are ways to save on ski rentals and there are ways to learn to ski much quicker. You can ask below or PM me and I will help you out. Keep in mind if you have never skied before you only need to know three things to get going. 

How to turn left, how to turn right and how to stop. It is EASY. You CAN do it.

Close places to learn:

• Nashoba Valley
• Wachusett
• Bradford
• Blue Hills

Nashoba has a tubing park too if you don't feel like skiing! 

Also a little further away in New Hampshire is some great places to go. (1 ½ hours ) Places like Gunstock, Sunapee,Loon and the best deal I’ve seen is at Waterville Valley where every Tuesday you pay whatever the temperature is at dawn on Monday! I paid $10 dollars last time I went. Check here for Waterville Valley’s deals.

F1 Boston

4. F1 Boston Racing - Indoor Go Kart racing! This is not anything like the outdoor go kart track on Cape Cod you went to as a little kid. This is serious adult racing! Get a group together (you don’t have to. You can go by yourself) It’s a few minutes south off Rt. 93. 

These cars go something like 30+ MPH. They fly. When you get there you are told about the rules, you get a racing suit and helmet and are allowed to race the heck out of the cars. It is so much fun! There is also a bar/restaurant there for afterwards. The track is amazing. Keep in mind that there are guys watching you race so if you like to play smashemup derby or drive like a lunatic they will show you the door. Be cool and drive like a .....race car driver I guess. You will love it. Just GO!!!

Soldiers and Sailors Monument

5. Sledding on the Boston Common -

Everyone always talks about ice skating at the Frog Pond on the Common. It is always crowded and if you are like me (you hate ice skating) and would rather do something more fun and easier then sledding is for you.  

What is sledding really? You find something to lay down on , you find a hill and you slide down the hill on the thing you are laying down on. Most people don’t know there is a pretty good size hill right on the Common.

You can walk past the Frog Pond and go to the giant monument at the top of the hill. It’s called the Soldiers and Sailors Monument for you trivia buffs out there.  While you are at the statue walk a few dozen feet towards Charles Street and you will see the hill to sled on. The best time to go is when it’s all ice, when the snow has been packed down by kids already or when it’s just snowed but is warm enough to make a snowman. That way you can pack it down and make a good run. It may not look like Mt. Everest but you can fly all the way to Charles Street down that hill when conditions are right and if you have the right sled.

The right sled:  Just get over to Ocean State Job Lots on Route One in Saugus and get the plastic toboggan for a few bucks. They work great or Toy’s R Us also has them. The one I'm talking about is the cheap plastic kind that you can fit two people on or lay on your stomach. Fun Fun Fun. Then afterwards since you are in the center of Boston you might as well go have a few DRINKS:

• Parish Cafe
• Rattlesnake
• Red Hat
• Silvertone
• Barracuda

...to name a few Cappy approved bars. However you are literally surrounded by places to eat and drink and you are right next to my home away from home Downtown Crossing. Check out my comprehensive eating guide of DTX to see even more places to go.

Know How to Dress for Winter

Before I leave you until the next entry I feel , as an expert, I should give you a few pointers on how to dress for the New England winter.

Expert = Someone who works outside for 20 years in all weather including right now in winter and is almost never cold.

Once the temperature drops below 32 you need to layer up. This what I do. I am feeling good in this outfit to about 10 below Fahrenheit. If you need to know Celsius move to Europe. Someone there will assist you. You can adjust this outfit to what is comfortable for you.

Bottom layer - I have a Duofold Union Suit from LL Bean . It’s wool on the outside and fleece on the inside. I wear a t-shirt and underwear underneath it. A union suit is good if you don’t use the bathroom a lot. The trap door in the back is too small. Take it from me. Otherwise get a two piece but make sure it’s either wool or a lighter material like polyester. See here: LL Bean  
PS. As long as there is an Ebay you never have to pay full price for this stuff.

Wool socks - Get them cheap at Marshalls or TJ Maxx. NEVER wear two socks on one foot.

You can get chemical pack foot warmers at Ocean State or City Sports. They stick to the outside of your socks and last about 3 - 4 hours. If it’s below 20 degrees then get some. They are lifesavers.

Lined Jeans. - If I’m skiing I wear a waterproof ski suit but otherwise get some flannel lined jeans like these (click) they come in men's or women's style.

Over my Union suit I usually wear a sweatshirt with a fleece over it. A heavyweight fleece is the most important piece of clothing every New Englander must have. Lately the fad is to get a North Face Denali fleece like THIS   but since you aren’t a sheep know that you can get a good heavy fleece in any sporting goods store like Modell’s or again on Ebay for a LOT less than the status symbol North Face.

Gloves - Get a good pair of ski gloves with a glove liner inside. The good ones come with a little pocket to put a chemical pack in for the really cold days. They cost about 20 - 30 bucks and are a good investment.

Hat - ALWAYS wear a fleece or wool hat when you are outside all day in the winter. Heat really does escape from your head and you won’t believe how much warmer you are with a good winter hat on. Ear muffs alone won’t cut it.

AND if I were you I would get some good waterproof , insulated boots to wear or at least some Timberlands BUT never anything with a steel toe unless you like frostbite.

Layering is great because you can always take a few off if you're warm but you can't add them if you're freezing.

So there you have it. The winter is never easy when you feel like you are stuck inside with no options for fun. I hope I have shown you that fun is a twelve month a year activity. You should never feel stuck inside. If you are stuck inside then at least make it inside a bar or an indoor water park.

No More GTFAFMe’s! It’s amazing how they go away when you are enjoying yourself with good friends or making some new friends at one of the places above. REMEMBER to add your own ideas below. I see a million people are reading this but not commenting! So contribute please! See you soon out in the streets of Boston!

Love Ya,

CAPPYinBOSTON

thecappy03@gmail.com