PEOPLE I HATE - Pt. 2

George Carlin knew

I had a friend call me the other day. I know...right? He didn't text me, email me or FB instant message me! It's like a miracle when someone actually tries to communicate by SPEAKING to me! It almost never happens any more. So I did what anyone would do under the circumstances. I stared at my cell phone until it stopped ringing then texted him back. "What do you want?"

It turned out one of my good friends had been reading this blog. He wanted to know when I'd be doing People I Hate pt. 2. I called him and we spoke for a few minutes. "I don't hate anyone really and I am trying to have a positive attitude." I said. He couldn't relate. "Everyone knows you have a crappy attitude. Just write it down. Trust me you'll feel better."

Maybe he has a point. This time of year always pisses me off. New England fall always lasts around ten minutes then it's cold and we are getting beaten over the head with the holidays. Halloween isn't done for two seconds and I have to start buying people presents? I just had my long johns on for the first time yesterday. 11/9/2014. That's early. That's not cool. So yes I am pretty sick of everyone. The weather only makes it worse. People seems to get worse this time of year too. The entitled, rude, ignorant sheer stupidness seems to come out full force.

I'm not as cynical as I come off. I want to like everybody and actually I do like many people. I used to think everyone deep down is good and can be reasoned with. All you really need are good communicative skills, a sense of humor and a bright disarming smile. That is all you really need to make friends and allies wherever you go.

Then you can ride your unicorn off into the sunset and pick daisies in the land of Oz while naked bodybuilders make love to you next to an ocean of melted chocolate.....

Yup. That is what I USED to think. I don't really believe that any more. Some people are completely unreasonable. Some are entitled fools who believe the world is actually revolving around them and some people are just batshit crazy.

You can not reason with those types. You will never be able to trust them. Obviously you can't depend on them or consider them friends but actually they might be enemies.

Today's edition of People I Hate is going to be focused on crazy people. Let me explain. I am not writing about the mentally ill padded cell types although some of these people in today's post could easily benefit from years of therapy. More or less I want to touch upon the kind of person who can not be reasoned with. Maybe you can relate.
Maybe you're one of them...Hopefully not.

I. The Narcissist

There's selfish and then there's SELFISH. Everyone knows a Narcissist. You may not realize it so let me lay it all out for you.

1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process.

Now that sounds pretty cut and dry but it isn't as easy to spot one as you might think. So ask your self these questions:

• Do you know someone who has no problem whatsoever blowing you off?
• Does that person constantly break their word and then somehow make is seem as if it's your fault that they screwed you over?
• Is everything always about them? Is their Ego so big that any time they get insulted they hold a grudge for like FOREVER?
• Are they in and out of romantic relationships because the other person is always somehow crazy or too demanding?
• Do they more or less suck but still make you laugh and can be charming when they want to be or more likely want something from you?

If you answered yes to these questions there is really only one thing to do.   RUN!!!

I heard Judge Judy say once that you can't fix stupid. It's the same with a Narcissist. You're never going to fix that person. They will always be that way. It's better to cut and run. Get far away and move on and if you are stuck working for a person like this well......good luck. 

II. The OCD Person

I used to have a friend who would love to go out to dinner. He was always raving about the newest place or some dish he heard about. He would get a group of us together and we would all go out. The thing that would drive me crazy was that he could never just order off the menu. 

Do you know anyone like that? I've known this person for over twenty years and have to this day never seen him just pick an item on the menu and order it. He always has to ask for changes. Can the chef make him a special side dish? Can they cook it differently just for him? Is it possible to put it on an extra large plate? (seriously) It's embarrassing and incredibly annoying. I came to realize that he just couldn't help it. I just couldn't help getting pissed off. I always say the same thing to him. "No matter what they do for you man it's always going to come back tasting like spit." But at least he'll have his saliva HIS way right?

I know this other guy who hates to be driven around. He needs to be the driver wherever he goes. Great. I love to be driven around but here's the thing. He has this ritual that he needs to do before we can leave. 

He checks the rear view mirror.

He fixes his seat belt

He turns on the heat or AC.

He checks the side mirrors.

He fixes the rear view mirror

He unbuckles his seat belt and puts it back on again.

He checks the side mirrors

He lowers the heat or AC

He checks all the mirrors.     (am I annoying you yet?)

Yes it can go on for ten minutes or more. He's normal as far as I can tell in every single other circumstance. But if I attempt to get him not to do this long insane ritual then we can't leave. It would be funny if it wasn't me that has to wait for this. One time I forced him to just start the car and go. We had to pull over ten minutes later because he said the mirror was messed up. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" I would ask. He didn't really have an answer. I wondered what he would do if he came across a car with no mirrors, just a steering wheel and that was it. His head would explode.

You guys must have people in your life that do completely irrational things that drive you nuts. It isn't clinical enough to get them help. It's just bad enough to be annoying. We all know people who hoard. But are they hoarders? Maybe not. Maybe they are just doing it on purpose just to piss you off! Naah. You should just learn to be more patient like me.
(yeah right)

  

III. Mr. or Mrs. Instant Best Friend:


There is this acquaintance of mine who always has to hug me when she sees me. She LOVES me. She speaks to me as if we have been best friends for life. She asks about my family, my wife, my health. This is not a big deal if not for the act that we are complete strangers more or less. We hung out twice at a big event. That was it. Now she and I are best friends apparently. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than when a person who is sort of a friend says "Bye! I LOVE you!" Come on. You don't love me. It took me years to say that to the woman I married. Now I'm supposed to say it back to a girl I know from a Blogger party? " I passionately love you too! I'm totally comfortable with this! BYE!!!"  ugh ugh ugh.

Some people are like that. I am pretty friendly and I like to make new friends but there's a little imaginary line that once crossed makes you a fruitcake. Some people touch a little too much. I have this imaginary box around me. YOU don't get to enter that box unless I invite you in. Okay? Some people just barge right into that imaginary box.  They move in with luggage. Then they are too close. They are breathing on you. They are touching you. Once they leave you can still smell them and they better smell good because now you smell like them. Thy have left pieces of themselves in your PRIVATE BOX! WTF!  They are all over you. God, I hate that!

Not cool. Not Cool at all.

I know a guy like this who is always asking for favors. "Can you do me a quick favor?" 

"Cappy, can I get your friends number that (Insert job here) so he can hook me up with some free service?"

"Would you mind helping me move?"  

 HAHAHAHAHA! That's always a good one. If some "acquaintance" ever asks you to help them move that's where you spell it out for them like I did for this guy.

He needed an intervention so I gave him one.

"Look bud." I said calmly. "You and I aren't brothers are we?"  

"No" He said, "Why do you ask?"

"Because my brother wouldn't ask me to help him move because he knows I'd say no."

I then went on to explain that manual labor is expensive and that if someone was going to do an expensive, time consuming task for someone else for FREE then it could be considered a "FAVOR" and that favors of this magnitude should be reserved for people who you have known for a LONG time or who you are extremely close or intimate with.

"Are we close and intimate?" I asked him. 

"NO"  he said.

"So do you think I am going to take an entire day off from work and from being with my family to help you do some back breaking work for free?" I said.

"NO" he said.

and he was 100% right. We don't really talk much any more.

Cynical Face

SO. these are a few more types who just crawl up my keister and give me Agita.

The list really is endless.  Next time when we do People I Hate pt. 3 we can do a whole post on the passive aggressive people who deserve special recognition for things like Yelp reviews and asking questions with no answers. Venting like this really does help keep me positive though.

Positive I am not leaving the house today.

People I Hate - pt. 1

I am a very opinionated person. No really, I am. I know it is hard to believe. The thing is, I pride myself in being easy to get along with. I. Am. Easy.  I really am and it amazes me how many other people really are not.  I am amazingly amazed how many people just do not have a clue how their behavior affects others.

We are living in a time where the ME generation is becoming the WHO CARES generation and yes there is a difference.  The Me Generation was being selfish in a way that gave them "self-fulfillment and self-realization.  That can be an enlightening and positive thing. The Who Cares gen.are merely selfish people doing whatever they want, to whomever they want. They are reality TV and obliviousness all rolled up in a nice neat package.

I am often out in the world and forced to deal with all types like these, so I have begun a list. I know every blog and online news source thinks every bit of info we read has to be in list form but this is different.

I know you aren't stupid. The Huffington Post thinks we are all handicapped idiots that can't digest anything unless it is in bite sized little elementary school portions or we will spot a butterfly flying by and lose interest . I don't believe that. This just happens to be a list I was making in my head . I could eliminate the numbers and put this whole entry in paragraph form like a real article but I really want to keep count of how many annoying types there are.

SO sorry. I know you aren't dumb. I think ultimately this will be a long list. This just part one So here we go:


1. The Facebook Poser - If you looked at this person's Facebook page you would think that they live the kind of dream life reserved for celebrities. They are at all the hottest parties. They have tons of gorgeous friends. They are always in a hot pose with a group, or in front of something cool, maybe throwing up some weird hand gesture or something. BUT the reality is when you are actually out with this person or see them out in real life, they are lame. Earth shatteringly lame. They don't socialize at all. They spend the entire night out looking for that FB shot. They jump into other cool people's pics. They hold up the one drink they bought all night and act like they've been partying for days (for the pic), They hug strangers (for the pic) The entire night out is to portray themselves as a FB celebrity but in reality they suck. They are boring and they probably should have stayed home.

Man I hate Phonies!

2. The 40+ Year Old Divorced Guy - I would love to bang out a few pics here to show this person in action.  Some of these guys are my friends. Of course that wouldn't go over too well because like most people on this list they too are in denial. BUT it really is pathetic to watch. These guys are single and having failed miserably at marriage are now also failing miserably at hooking up with women. The main point I would like to make here is one of science. Many years of research have determined that 20 - 25 year old girls, and I AM calling them girls, are not interested in men who are over 40 in a sexual way. Of course there are exceptions but in most cases they look at men of a certain age (45) as OLD. The fact is , we are old. We have road miles on us that are right there visually jumping out. No matter how nice your suit is, no matter how great you think your rap is, you really are playing above your pay grade. I watch these guys attempt to woo these babies by throwing cash around and by acting like they are powerful players in the business world or whatever. It may work for a while because everyone loves positive attention but ultimately guys, they like young men and you need to take another look at that WOMAN at the bar you are ignoring. That's where real success lies.

Come On! That's HOT!

3. The 20 Something Girl  - On the other side of that fence is the 20+ year old female. When I go out with my friends, being married especially, I have no real use for this type at all. Here's a message to the 20- 25 year olds out there. Read a book. Watch the news. Get a hobby. For God's sake, when did it become in style to be superficial and dumb. No I am not going to audition for you. I don't give a crap if you approve of what I do for a living. You aren't getting in my car so it doesn't matter what I drive. You look bored. Why don't you go home if you're bored. If you aren't bored why don't you go look in a mirror and practice a nice face instead of a bitch face. It will help you make friends. I have lived. I have been around. If we have a conversation it won't be about how your drink sucks and how drunk your friend is. Then you get to see MY bored face. Lastly, what is with this fake squeaky voice so many of you put on? It's like an updated Cyndi Lauper voice on Helium. Cut it out! You sound ridiculous!

Why does every sentence end in a question?

4. The Sports Man -  I like sports. I'm a huge Sox/Pats/Celts/B's fan. When they get into the championship which over the last ten years has been pretty frequently I am psyched. PS. Eat your heart out NY. I will happily go out to a sports bar to watch with friends. Here in Titletown it is an experience to be out with a crowd watching or going to a game. BUT there is always a guy who takes it just a little too far.

No I do not know what Middlebrooks ERA is and I can not remember what Big Papi did in that game against the Yankees back in 2009. I do not know every player on the Celtics and certainly do not care about what Red Auerbach had for breakfast the day he said goodbye to Larry Bird. Stats are boring. No one wants to hear them and literally no girl anywhere is impressed that you know what college every one of  the New England Patriots went to and while we are at it when you refer to the team as we and us it is kind of funny. I know you. You never played sports. You weren't ever on a team. When we play a pickup game of softball you never play. You eat wings and burgers and pizza. That's what you do. You are the eating guy. The Red Sox are the sports guys so it should be them not us.

I am NOT on the Pats

5. The I am SO Busy Person - Nearly every person I know has to work for a living. No one I know is independently wealthy. Everyone has bills to pay. So what do we do? We work. This person acts like they are the only ones who have a job. They never return a call. They always cancel the plans. When you finally get them on the phone it's always, "I am so SWAMPED!" "My life is SO hard!" "I am so STRESSED out!":
Hey. Cry me a friggin river pal. WE ALL WORK. I make time for my friends. It is part of being an adult. You want to have friendships you have to cultivate them. I work like an animal so when someone tells me they are too busy all the time it pisses me off. I have one friend who is divorced and does not have custody of his daughter so in effect he really doesn't have to deal with many of the things parents deal with but this guy has the weight of the world on his shoulders according to him. Somehow those of us with kids still manage to go to the sports games, school functions, make the dinner, work 50+ hours a week or more, live our own busy lives and still find the time to return calls, texts and emails. We show up when all the gang is in town and do not constantly have poor excuses why you can't budget your time and grow up.

You are SO much busier than me.

Do you know people like these? There are easily 100 more categories. Hopefully you aren't one of these people. A little introspection goes a long way. Most personality flaws come down to one thing. Selfishness.
Lord knows I am not perfect. However I try my best to not be selfish. You have to if you want to stay married and surrounded by people who have your back.

In today's entitled world I think it is so important to shine a light on people like these who just do not get it.

What do you think? Can you relate to any of this? Put your comments down below and the best  #6 will win season tickets to the 2014 Red Sox season.

(The above statement is not true. I will be lucky if I get my hands on bleacher seats and even then I am not giving any away. I am going to go myself.)

 (I know that is selfish. As I said above I am not perfect)

Be on the lookout for  People I Hate - Part 2

Thanks for stopping by,

Cappy