A COFFEE ADDICTED DRINKERS GUIDE TO BEING COOL IN A HIPSTER WORLD

Cafe Latte 

I have to confess something. I love coffee. I drink it all the time. I need it to start my day. That isn't what I'm confessing here but I am always drinking coffee especially in the morning because I am not nor have I ever been a morning person. I am no coffee connoisseur (nor do I speak french) but the only way I can fake it even a little is with that two cup jump start in the morning.  One right when I get up and one right when I get to work. Otherwise those cheerful morning pixies who apparently get ten hours of sleep and go to bed right after the 6 pm evening news and jump up at dawn with those little annoying  bluebirds on their shoulders while they whistle a happy tune probably by Taylor Swift or Celine Dion are getting murdered the hard, messy way...slowly.  Man I hate morning people!  They are so happy while I have that hung over, body aching, head in cotton feeling when I didn't even drink the night before.  I HATE those people. I HATE HATE HATE them.  What the heck are they so cheerful about? It's too early to be up. It's too early to be working and thinking and planning our day. GOD DAMN them all.

Find and Go get Coffee here!

So anyway, my admission or confession or whatever,  is that I am really uncomfortable in these coffee places. Dunkins I have down but recently I have determined that Dunkins is crap.  I learned this accidentally. A friend showed up with a drink from Boston Common Coffee and was really enjoying it. Every time he took a sip he made a little noise much like the noise I make when my wife is touching.....me. He gave a little moan of pleasure after every sip. I asked what the hell he was drinking and asked him to either let me have a sip or get the heck away from me. He, apparently was enjoying some kind of vanilla caramel latte iced thing with whipped cream on top. This was life changing for me. I loved it!  Soon after that I did a little recon & research and learned that there are all kinds of "fair trade" and "magical specialty" coffee beans and "pour over" and "scientific cool brewed" coffee ......things.

Greek

So like any typical working stiff with a caffeine jones I needed to experience these new and interesting drinks. The problem is that places like The Thinking Cup and Bourbon Coffee (what?) really intimidate me. You can not order a large regular in there. You need to know the lingo. You should learn what a Latte is. I actually thought it was pronounced "late" a while back.  "I'll get a Medium , I mean a Venti. Late. Ravioli. Cup. Coffee. ....aww forget it."

Scary but good

Virtually every single coffee place has at least one guy wearing a winter hat in the middle of summer. AND two women with nose rings and purple hair. It's an actual prerequisite to work there. I'm not sure what a hipster is but there's no doubt that if they work at all they work at coffee places and they lay in wait for people like me to walk in and not know our Cafe au Lait's from our Americano's. You have to know the lingo or everyone gets a , "You're a dumbass!" look on their face. I started out simple.  I got a small hot coffee. ok a tall. ok a short. Yes that is really friggin annoying when you can't say small. But the coffee itself is fabulous.  I was at the Thinking Cup which serves Stumptown Coffee. I had this before when visiting family in Portlandia and it is good stuff. I was going to bring a pound home but I would have had to sell my car to do it so I just get it at the Thinking Cup. Oh and make sure when you order it you then move down to the area where you pick it up. Otherwise you get the , "HEY dumbass move down there to pick up your short tall latte you bitch!" They say it much nicer but I know that's what they are thinking.

"No Man. We only have TALLS no SMALLS Dumbass!"

Downtown Crossing where I live and work has a ton of coffee places now. Forget Starbucks and Dunkins. Go to Caffe Nero, Boston Brewin, Boston Common, Thinking Cup and there's more if you head towards the business district. They all have coffee making people making your good quality coffee.  "NO we're Barista's!" No children, you are coffee making drink makers. Stop being pretentious and I will like you so much more.

New with lots of comfy couches

Also with lots of comfy couches and it's 50% more Hipster-ish

 Hipster. definition - someone trying way too desperately to be hip. Please everyone. Stop trying so hard!

tangent:

Things I do not understand: ( fashionably speaking )

1. Nose, cheek, neck, eyebrow piercings. 

2. Tats that go above the neckline onto the face.

3. Winter hats in summer.

4. Facial hair, mutton chops and any steam-punk or 1800's look. What. The. F?

5. Purple, blue, pink or green hair.

6. Tights and no underwear.

7. Bikes as accessories. Why are you walking your bike?

8. Lizards, snakes, rats and Platypus as accessories.

9. Vests. I just don't get vests. sorry.

10. Guys with Rabbi beards. I really can't tell the difference any more between Hipsters, homeless people, Rabbi's or genuine hippies any more.

end tangent.

Orgasmisimo Grande

Now where was I. COFFEE. I love these quality coffee drinks. I love a Caramel latte with no whip cream and whole milk. I throw in a Sweet and Low then I moan all the way to the bottom of the cup. I always have appreciated quality in any form. Maybe it is worth overcoming my queasy intimidation of not knowing what's up in an uppity coffee shop.
 (Did I just say uppity?)

4 ft high filter pack

I make my own coffee at home first thing in the morning when I'm barely awake. My coffee never ever turns out like the coffee I buy in Downtown Boston. It's always a frustrating ordeal for me. I bought my coffee filters at Costco so there is a four foot high stack of coffee filters in my pantry. Peeling one coffee filter off the top of this pile is almost impossible. I lick my fingers and peel one off. I now have 7 in my hand I put six back and go to the coffee machine. I still have three in my hand somehow. I finally manage to get one filter off and put it in the Black and Decker coffee machine. The thing you put the filter into is plastic. If you don't put it in the machine the exact right way and you turn the machine on then coffee will brew all over the counter top. This happens to me quite frequently. I hate Black and Decker coffee machines but when I used to have a Mr. Coffee ,coffee machine I would fill up the carafe with water and try to pour the water into the machine the water would somehow always pour all over the counter top.

Curse you B&D

So I used a scoop to fill my filter with coffee. I am never sure how much to use so inevitably the coffee will be too watery or too strong. The way I combat this is to put tons of sugar and creamer into my coffee. I am apparently not a Barista.

I wish I had a million dollars. I would buy a fancy Italian coffee maker. It would be one of those huge metal works of art you see in the North End while eating Cannoli and sipping Cappucino's. I would hire a Barista to make me Latte's and Frappaccino's . (copyright Starbucks) every morning. That is my wish.

The Dream Machine

A short time later I was walking to Boston Brewin coffee on Bromfield Street for a caramel latte and was pondering my wish when I saw a homeless man sitting on the ground with a cardboard sign that said, "I am not lying! I need spare change to eat!" My first thought was, "Why would he want to eat spare change?" Then I wondered if his wish was just for some spare change. I felt guilty about wishing for a personal Barista so I changed my wish and wished he would get some spare change.  No one gave him any. Apparently wishing for money isn't the key here. As I continued on to the coffee place I was aware I had a pocket with lots of spare change in it. The irony of this did not escape me.

Boston Brewin

I asked for a large iced Caramel Latte with whole milk and two Sweet and Lows. I had already had a bucket full of sugar in my earlier coffee so I figured I'd cut back on the sugar this time. The coffee making person asked if I wanted some other better tasting coffee drink for a few cents more. I said sure. I never could have afforded it if I had given my change to the homeless guy. The irony of this didn't escape me this time either.

As I went on to work I pondered the irony of the morning and made a mental note to Google the word irony when I got home because I really wasn't too sure whether I was using that word correctly.

All of these thoughts went away and I started my day grateful for the cure to my caffeine addiction so close by in so many great places.

Aaaah. Coffee.

Thanks for the Venti Americano dude!

What do Boston, Sandwiches and Time Travel all have in Common? The Truth Revealed!

Of Colonials and Sandwiches

Anyone who lives and works in Boston knows we have a unique group of people that are very visible in Downtown Boston. They are the Colonials and they are everywhere. Whether giving tours on the Freedom Trail or Standing outside the visitor center on the Common, they are going about their day to day activities and for the most part blending in. But have you ever taken a closer look at these people? I have and what I found out is pretty incredible.

A stake out - a period of secret surveillance of a building or an area by police in order to observe someone's activities.

I have been on a perpetual stake out, off and on for quite a while. It can be tedious work. It can be hungry work. So here’s how this is going to go down:

1. I am going to explain in detail what I found out about the Colonials.

2. I am going to share with you the best sandwiches I have ever had because in Boston, when you are in a stake out sandwiches are the best thing to eat and I have become somewhat of a connoisseur.

Downtown Crossing in the center of Boston has had a nickname for quite some time. It is known as the Hub of the Universe. Originally Oliver Wendell Holmes coined the phrase and called Boston the Hub of the Solar System. He was referring to the State House back in 1858 and he arrogantly thought that Boston was the center of everything commercial and intellectual at that time. Eventually the Solar System became the Universe and the moniker stuck.

I’m not going to bore you with all the details because my new book entitled “All the Boring Details.” will be hitting Amazon soon but I do want to give you a bit of background so you understand that something incredible and amazing has happened here in Downtown Crossing and you are lucky enough to be here reading this before anyone else!

Notice - No Hat

Oliver Wendell Holmes was a poet among other things and he counted as friends many other famous literary figures such as Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. These men would get together over at the Old Corner Bookstore on School Street (in DTX) and discuss the news of the day and have a few drinks.  The story goes that one night Mr. Holmes and someone who may have been Charles Dickens had a few too many drinks and were walking down Washington Street towards what is currently the old Filene’s building but at the time was a parking lot for horse drawn carriages. The men stopped at the corner of Washington and Summer Streets to say good night and take their rides home. According to a written account in Mr. Holmes memoirs he dropped his hat accidentally into a hole in the ground. When he went to retrieve it he realized that the “hole” was something else entirely. His hat was gone forever.

Now, I am going to draw a conclusion here that is going to sound crazy but if you look at all the evidence you will see that it is not. At the location where Oliver Wendell Holmes claims to have lost his hat forever down a hole in the ground is a metal plate that has been there for as long as anyone alive can remember. It is a metal seal with the words “The Hub of the Universe” engraved on it. Right now it is behind a wall because the building is under construction but I can ensure you it is still there because I have seen it. The thing I never noticed before recently is that the seal actually has hinges on it!

It is a doorway in the ground.

This is where my stakeout began.

I remember clearly my lunch that day because it was brought to me by a good friend. Mr. Craig Singer, who claimed it would be the best sandwich I ever ate. He also paid for it which is why I recognize him here by name.

LUNCH:

Now as you take in what I just told you let me share something else with you.

THE BEST FRIGGIN ITALIAN SUB IN THE CITY OF BOSTON

Monica’s Mercato & Salumeria

This is a relatively new place and is located in the North End. I know it isn’t in DTX but if it wasn’t literally the best Italian I ever ate I wouldn’t include it. Incidentally if you are working or shopping in Downtown the walk to the North End takes about fifteen minutes. If you’re really lazy you can hop the T at State Street and hop off at Aquarium. Then you’re a few minutes away. It’s worth it.

Just get a large Italian with everything. The bread is amazingly fresh, the cold cuts are like buttah, the cheese is freshly sliced and it comes with sweet peppers, cucumber, Balsamic and more. I kid you not. The BEST I ever had.

Address: 130 Salem St, Boston, MA 02113

Phone:(617) 742-4101

Order the Italian!

Make sure you tell them the sandwich not the guy

Now here’s what I have noticed. Colonials congregate around the Hub of the Universe. They are all over DTX. Sure they work the Freedom Trail and the waterfront. They are near the USS Constitution and the Boston Tea Party ship. They come through Downtown before and after work every day. Another thing I have noticed is that they all universally are incompetent with any form of new technology. Where do they live? Where do they go at night? How is it possible to have the exact clothing that was worn in the 1700’s? They don’t have zippers. They are not wearing replicas like in other cities.

THESE PEOPLE ARE ACTUAL COLONIAL SETTLERS FROM THE 1700’S.

I overheard one of them dressed as James Otis telling another one dressed as Betsy Ross, “We have to get back. I have to pick up my shoes from the cobbler.”   THE COBBLER?

 

No idea what I'm doing with my camera

I know it sounds crazy. But there is a doorway through time located in DTX. The Colonials come through daily and work here and return home at night. I have seen it happen. You just have to stand next to Macy’s and watch around 9pm. You’ll see. But first I highly suggest you get one of these:

FALAFEL KING

The Falafel King sandwich is a work of art. You know longer have to wait on a huge line any more because they have two locations a few blocks away from each other. Both are equally good. The Falafel sandwich is a roll up. Always ask for hummus and hot sauce. The hot sauce isn’t hot and the hummus doesn’t hum but it’s still delicious. You always get a free falafel dipped in hummus while you are waiting. If you don’t get one it means he doesn’t like you. If you get one but it is not dipped in hummus it means he likes you but just not that way.

260 Washington St
(at Water St) 
Boston, MA 02108

Inside the roll up is at least three giant balls of falafel, pickles, lettuce, tahini sauce, hummus…… whatever. It’s GOOD. and at around five bucks it’s a bahgain. I mean baaaaaaah - gain.

Trying to understand the concept of the "backpack"

The other day I was at Park Street and watched a tour of the Freedom Trail come through. The Colonial was explaining how the Common was used to graze cattle and that some witches were hanged there. He knew the witches names. He knew exactly where the tree was where they were hanged. BUT when someone asked if there was free WiFi in the park he looked at her as if she had three heads and completely ignored the question. He crossed the street towards the Park Street church and I heard him tell the people to be careful of the horseless carriages coming.  (they were taxi’s)

Closed his eyes at every attempt to show him my smart phone

LUNCH AGAIN

It’s amazing to me that there are still people that are so Xenophobic and Ignorant that they never try anything remotely different. I HATE these people. Hamburger this. Hot Dog that. How can anyone exist that still has no idea what a -

Banh Mi is.   

It is a Vietnamese sandwich, It’s on a French crusty baguette and there are various kinds of fillings but the classic is pretty much pork belly, ham pate spread, cilantro, carrots, daikon radish, and cucumber.

There are other variations and types and there are a few places I love to get mine. They are universally inexpensive. Actually they are the cheapest and best value around for lunch. Usually between $3.00 to $5.00.  (I know right?)

The Banh Mi house is located on Winter Street at the food court and makes a great one.

New Saigon is a short walk down Washington into Chinatown and is an institution.

Wants my Chacarero

Places where Colonials usually congregate:

1. The Old South Meeting House

2. The Old State House  also right next door is the Boston Massacre memorial.

3. Paul Revere’s House in the North End

4. All over the Boston Common

5. The USS Constitution in Charlestown and the Bunker Hill Monument

6. The Boston Tea Party Ship and Museum

Traded my waist
 pouch for his walking stick. He filled it with oats and strapped it to his horse

I dressed up as a Minuteman a while back and tried to blend in with them. They knew immediately that I wasn’t one of them. They wouldn’t answer any of my questions about the time door and actually asked me to leave the employees only area at Faneuil Hall.

You rarely even see them eat but if they were to want to eat someplace Capone’s is right near by on Summer Street and we’re talking about one of the best sandwiches in Boston.

CAPONES:

The have a ton of good , reasonably priced, freshly made food here but I like to get a chicken salad sandwich with lettuce, tomato, sweet peppers and oil and vinegar on BRAIDED SESAME ROLL.  I capitalized that because it’s important. The bread of a sandwich is almost as important as the fillings. These sesame braided rolls are kick ass and you must have your sandwich on one. If you just don’t like sesame seeds then…….too bad. Eat it anyway.

They also have a daily lunch deal where you get a drink and a bag of chips with it for like nothing. The cookies are good too.

I know I have to mention Sam LaGrassa here if I’m talking about the best sandwiches in Boston but I hate to do it. The line there is always so damn long. I can never get a table. There’s always some people from the Jewelers Building hogging a table for like EVER. Go sell some diamonds for crying out loud!  (coming soon - my guide to buying in the Diamond and Jewelry buildings in DTX)

Anyway Hot Pastrami, lettuce, tomato, Russian Dressing or Dark Mustard on a bulkie with fries.

OR Turkey, Lettuce, tomato mayo or Russian dressing on a bulkie roll.    (chowder good too)

It is one of the all time best sandwich places on earth. You may run into a Colonial cutting through from School Street on their way to the time portal.

(see here for entire dining guide and pics)

http://cappyinboston.blogspot.com/2013/12/the-most-comprehensive-dining-guide-of.html

CHACARERO

Many things have been said about this mysterious sandwich brought here from Chile by Juan Hurtado many moons ago. Most of the things said were Yum, MMMM, Nom Nom and the rest was unintelligible because people were trying to say these things with their mouths full.

It’s a sandwich made from homemade bread.

Then you decide whether to fill it with beef, chicken, both or a barbecue version.

Then they add Muenster cheese, string beans, avocado spread (not guac), tomato and hopefully you’ll get the hot sauce. It’s expensive at around $9.00 but if you get a large it’s big enough to split and even if you don’t it is worth the money. Yes it is that good. I love Chacarero’s.  I wanted to name my cat Chaca after the sandwich but wiki says it means catfish which is weird so forget that.  

The Golden Age of Chacarero

So there is a smattering of some pretty darn good sandwiches right there. Get out there and try them if you haven’t already. You can buy two of them and make a quadruple decker if you want. I always wanted to mix an Italian with a Banh Mi and see what  that tasted like.

But What’s the Bottom Line Here?

The Colonials aren't hurting anyone. I was hesitant to even expose them. They are contributing to the Boston economy and they are an interesting bunch. If you ever have a history report or a question about life here during the early days of  the Revolution they can answer it. Many knowledgeable people are among their number.

If you’d like to join me in my next stake out I would be happy to show you what’s going on. I think a steak sandwich would be a good idea on a stake out right? We'll call it the Steak Out. Get in touch. Let’s make it happen.

There are questions concerning the butterfly effect. What happens if they change the past somehow. Would we even notice?  I am actually working with someone who claims we can do what they do here…..there. Wouldn't you love to have a tour of the Freedom Trail when it was still a cow pasture in 1774? Maybe we can go BACK in time. Would you want to? I would. At least for a few hours to poke around and of course to eat. There were no GMO's back then and nothing but natural ingredients. The Hub of the Universe may very well be a two way door. All you need is the key. My guess is it’s somewhere in the State House. Maybe Governor Duval is wearing it around his neck right now!

RECAP:

There are Colonial people from the 1700's traveling through a time portal located in Downtown Crossing in and out of Boston every day.

There are some damn good sandwiches around the area you can stuff your face with.

Remember . Colonials are people too.

This may just be a guy on his way to a rave - 

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